Le code de la route d’après Top Gear

Overtaking

• Oh God, there’s a Peugeot in the way.

• This is a national-speed-limit road. Why is it doing 47mph? WHY?

• Ah, there’s a straight coming up!

• POWEEEEER!

• Ha! This car is BIBLICALLY FAST.

• Do not try this in a car with ANYTHING less than 500 HORSEPOWERS.

On overtaking in a car with anything less than 500 horsepowers:

• Floor the accelerator.

• Feel entire car start to vibrate and rattle like the Space Shuttle on re-entry.

• Feel gentle beads of perspiration gather on whitening knuckles.

• Shout “Come on, you can do it!”

• Notice huge lorry coming the other way.

• Watch entire life flash before eyes.

• Get past dithering Peugeot and pull back to correct side of road.

• Stop to remove mess from underpants.

• Watch Peugeot go past.

Rules for car drivers

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Can you see? Do you have at least some arms and legs?

• Do you have a driving licence/Are you seriously thinking about getting a licence at some point in the future?*

• Okay, you’re fit to drive. Away you go!

* Minicab drivers only.

Before setting off always remember the following tips:

• Make sure you are sitting in the driving seat and facing the front. You’d be amazed how many people in foreign countries insist on sitting on the PASSENGER side of the car – the bloody idiots. They drive on the WRONG side of the road, too.

• If you are a wittering simpleton, allow extra journey time for following your sat-nav instructions in an overly literal manner that causes you to drive into a canal/shopping centre/live firing-range/any other place that will generate a news story.

Rules for elderly drivers:

• Maintain a speed of at least 20mph below the maximum speed limit.

• Indicate at least 500 metres before turning. Change your mind at the last minute.

• Try not to change gear more than once every 15 minutes, because it “wastes petrol” and “damages the engine”.

• Repeatedly say to your spouse: “I don’t know why he’s flashing me. I’m doing 23 as it is. This chap’s a maniac!”

• When a car approaches on the opposite side of the road, slow to a virtual halt.